Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
that lip filler tho
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
some things should go without saying
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.