Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have