Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
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Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Everyone’s family
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.