Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*