Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.