@polychromatik

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

@Tylerosis

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

@lazerdoov

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

@ellewasamistake

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

@nuttywhippet

I like Australian kisses.

They’re just like French kisses but down under.

@aissalanis

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

@papasuncle

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

@doktorj

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!