Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
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This will never not be funny to me.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u