Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

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While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.


Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.


I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early


infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here


I like Australian kisses.

They’re just like French kisses but down under.


Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.


My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy


Me: Good night Moon


Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!