Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

can’t wait til they legalize outside

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

That earthquake could have been an email.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.