Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.