Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Shortcut
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Monday
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.