Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Whoops
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.