Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
😤😤
me watching my own Instagram story
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I’m aging like a fine banana
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank