Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Nice try, poison.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

Look at this

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.