Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters