“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
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*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
selfie game
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.