Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

No flush

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.