Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?