Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata