Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

Is this a threat?

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.