Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

it must be school picture day

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.