do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie