do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon