do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.