do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.