do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
So that’s what we looked like?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.