do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
HR said no more nunchucks.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
I’m hunting wabbits…
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.