“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
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Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever