“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
