“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
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Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?