“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
You Might Also Like
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
CRYING
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though