“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
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Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
😂🤣😂🤣
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?