“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”![]()
You Might Also Like
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
![]()
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.