“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?