“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
No, he would not have.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”