“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
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Spell check is for lasers.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
This came to me in a dream.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.