Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

smh

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

me and who

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed