Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
When your parents check you’re ok.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders