“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Google assistant rules
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.