“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
You Might Also Like
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
No one can handle that
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations