“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.