“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.