Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”