do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
Why font matters.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Traveler’s camo
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet