do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.