Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes