“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass