“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

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[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”


It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.


Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?


An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me


A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.


How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking


Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.


Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.


In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.


i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass