@CornOnTheGoblin

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

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@craiguito

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

@bmarked21

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

@ILikeFaucet

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

@daemonic3

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

@JayJazzi

A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.

@E_lok44

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

@Psycholane

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@thezwickers3

In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.

@LizerReal

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass