@CornOnTheGoblin

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

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@EllaZee5

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

@SirEviscerate

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

@Parkerlawyer

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

@01CandyQueen

Bae: come over
Me: do you have food?
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: Are they gonna come back with food?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

@AliyanShaikh

Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.

@MyNameIsArchaic

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

@Hector_Srsly

#WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse