Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.