Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Happy Halloween 🎃

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples: