Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
You Might Also Like
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
lmfao come on
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*skinny dips into black hole
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!