Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

How does someone manage that 🤨

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Check out the legs on this baby