Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

When I face a minor setback

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.