“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.