Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.