“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
I need a headline like this
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
