Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

Yes

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

an octopus is just a wet spider

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

This is a sub tweet

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.