Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

How can I say no to this ?

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

🏠

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs