Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

*me flirting

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Cndnsd Mlk

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-