Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
True.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.