Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

oh my gosh!!

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

j o i m p

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream