– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
The first one, obviously
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub