Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

😉😝

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

Follow me for more life hacks.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia