-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house