Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

That’s easy for you to say

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.