@tarashoe: gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

@buhsbaby_baby: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

@JaneBadall: My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.

@mattingebretson: I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered "please stop stealing my spotlight"

@duplicitron: Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.