Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Tmoney68

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

@mrjohndarby

s
o

c

i

a

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@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@truegritrumble

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

@Ctchandler247

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

@AllyBallyBeal

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

@MartaEffing

When I realized my boyfriend said we should ‘break up’ & not ‘break dance’,
I was sad, but also relieved.

@ForEllieSylvia

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

@mattgallo123

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.