Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Good morning y’all ☀️
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”