Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ThaJawn

*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@HappyHijabbi

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

@lottydoes

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

@poutinesmoothie

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

@Urfavgoodboy

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

@CorkyKneivel

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

@decentbirthday

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

@QueenofSparta

She’s a macaroni art maker, he creates pictures of Jesus on toast. Their budget is $1.2m.

*House Hunters