@frenchielaboozi: a lady was like "can you believe he's 14 months old already" and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day

@ArfMeasures: Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself Me: I see Gf: Are you gonna over-react? Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do Ex Gf: what

@TuffyNyC: The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.

@Jenny4ashley: Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

@blainecapatch: just took the "what's your social security number?" quiz on facebook