Do you have to go to the bathroom?
You sure?
How about now?
[movie begins]

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*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?


Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on


Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too


“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved


My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.


You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.


My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.


[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”


Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward


She’s a macaroni art maker, he creates pictures of Jesus on toast. Their budget is $1.2m.

*House Hunters