“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
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YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady