“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
You Might Also Like
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
U talkin 2 me?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving