Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
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I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
thats my bad
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Breakfast for Stoners:
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree