Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

I needed a laugh this morning.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.