Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
so this horse walks into a bar
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me driving through Toronto
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50