Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
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[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The pasta is now
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
He took my last fry, your honor
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts