Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*files a restraining order against reality*
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Would you wear it?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.