Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

this is what they would have looked like, though

boat question

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I missed you with all my darts

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!