“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
But is it really??
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.