“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me