@Home_Halfway

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

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@EJGomez

bay: come over
me: no you’re a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward
bay: my parents aren’t home
me: how are you talking

@ohmygrapeness

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

@CulturedRuffian

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

@NotBachibawlz

Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”

“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”

@better_off_dad

Doctor: What seems to be th-

Me: -Medicinal marijuana!

Doc: I’m sorry?

Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?

@Itskarleytime

Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.

This is about to be a very wild 12 days.

@TheRealPalMal

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

@InnocentMarina6

You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..

@GetCougarized

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

@anagramps

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.