Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

I beg your pardon?

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great