Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
sometimes i miss this memes
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I hate everything
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*