Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

My first child will be named New Folder.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior