Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?