@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

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@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…

@BradBroaddus

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me one of your long term goals”

Sleeping

“No, I meant-”

*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change

@iGreenMonk

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.

@twitinfected

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

@_Tempo11

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

@see_more13

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

@

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@UnFitz

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.